Some Thoughts On Difficult Anniversaries
I'm in the midst of the anniversary of my son's 2 short weeks of life on earth. I’ve had tears, but somehow I’m seeing Jesus as the joy in my mourning, and one day when God brings me through this night He will be the joy in my morning as well.
The first year anniversary was only darkness and pain for me. I saw no hope of it ever letting up or getting easier. But I can say with gratefulness that God carried me through it because I am here today.
I was also very fearful of forgetting my memories of Jack, so I spent the days remembering and reliving every moment through pictures, videos, and the objects I collected for his memory box. It was so painful to do this. But it was good for me as I continued to process my grief.
This year's anniversary, I didn't feal the need to do that yet. But I have gone through my memory objects many times over the past couple years. Processing grief in this way can be healthy, as long as you come to Christ for rest. If you stay in your grief and refuse to see Christ, especially his sovereignty, love and redemptive plan, then you may quickly go down the road to despair. Perhaps despairing even of life.
This is where I was a couple of months ago. Becoming so overwhelmed by the loss of my son, I blamed God for his "despicable" sovereignty. I knew he did it, and I hated that he did it. I wept for hours and hours. I believed I was thinking clearly and refused to reach out for help and counsel.
My husband couldn't find me. While I was only sitting in the storage room behind some bins next to a pile of soggy tissues, my husband frantically looked for me. At first, he thought I went on a run without telling him (very unusual for me). Then when he couldn't find me after driving around the neighborhood, he thought I might've been taken.
At this point, I had a strong need build up in me to not waste my day any longer. So I started to fold laundry. Josh came home right after this, saw me, and was clearly in distress. We then talked long and hard over the troubles of my heart.
This story may sound a little silly, but the reality is that the pain went deep and pierced my soul.
Most likely, you are going through something completely different. Whatever it is, see Christ! Thirst for God's Word, seek godly counsel, and then
"taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!"
You might be thinking that this sounds good in theory, but how do you dothis?
What are practical ways to see Christ?
Watch the Bible - I highly recommend The Gospel Of John: The Life of Jesus Film. It was life-changing for me.
Read about God's redemptive plan - Heaven by Randy Alcornreminds me of God's incredible and complete redemption plan for the universe and for me.
Listen to amazing stories - You must hear the phenomenal stories of those who have counted the cost, and found Christ to be worthy of all. There are lots of them too. I love VOM Radio. I listen to the podcast while I run, clean, cook, or whatever. It's so good!!
Help someone else see Christ - You might be thinking, "No way! I'm barely making it; how can I help someone else?!" That's exactly why you need to do it! Nothing will motivate you to search the Scriptures more than a desire to help another person find solid hope in Christ. I've seen it work countless times in my own life and in others'.
What about you? Where do you turn to in a difficult season? What have you found to help (or not help) you see Christ more? I'd love to hear your thoughts! <3
Love you, friends!
I'll be praying you see more of Christ this week.
Soli Deo gloria,